


stars (they make me wonder where you are)

by panicmoonwalker



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Like big time Angst, angst hole, kind of, side dianetti
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 07:46:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19127662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panicmoonwalker/pseuds/panicmoonwalker
Summary: Rosa doesn’t remember much - meetings with lawyers, Jake being buried next to Amy, Charles screaming in grief, Holt sobbing whilst holding Kevin. Rosa does remember moving into her two best friends apartment when she is appointed the guardian to their child.





	stars (they make me wonder where you are)

**Author's Note:**

> don't ask me how i got here just enjoy this emotional journey xo
> 
> title from stars - grace potter and the nocturnals

_ “Hey it’s me! Your daddy-o!” Jake’s hold on his phone is shaky, but his happiness evident. “So it’s November 23rd, 4:38 in the morning and your mom has been experiencing contractions for about 3 hours!” _

_ Jake turns his phone slightly to include Amy in the frame, who looks uncomfortable but happy sitting up in their bed. “How are you feeling Ames!?” _

_ “Well she’s definitely on her way.” Amy’s hands are resting low on her stomach, and she cringes with a smile as another contraction begins. “It’s really not that bad, you know since I can- ah!” _

_ Amy breathes deeply for another 15 seconds before she relaxes. “You know because I can still talk during them.” _

_ “Okay babe, whatever you say.” _

CUT

 

_ “It’s your dad again with birth update!” Jake sighs happily, “It is 0700 and contractions are about 12 minutes apart so still too early to go to the hospital but we’re walking around the apartment trying to move it along.” _

_ “Jake do you really need to this?” Amy whines, “We’ve had no sleep and I’m uncomfortable and in pain.” _

_ The camera quickly faces the floor but doesn’t stop recording, “I thought it might be fun to look back one day, but I can stop if you want me to.” _

_ There’s silence for a moment before Amy agrees to let him do it. “So how are you feeling Ames?” _

_ “I feel like I need you to come out of me much quicker please.” Amy says directly into the camera, as if talking to her daughter. _

CUT

 

~

 

Luna Santiago-Peralta is put in the care of Rosa Diaz when she is only 5 weeks old. 

It was written in their will. If anything were to happen to them, the care of their daughter would be passed to her godmother. 

Karen found her son peacefully asleep with Luna screaming in his arms, but he doesn’t respond. Jake is a heavy sleeper, but with the baby right in his arms he should at least stir. Karen then notices how pale and unmoving her son is. 

She rushes to his side, take his cold wrist and checking for any sign for a pulse. Any sign of life. Her arms rush to grab her granddaughter as her chest constricts and her spare hand shakes as she goes to call someone -  _ anyone _ .

It’s a blur of tears from there and she’s trying to calm down Luna but she is screaming like she’s never heard a baby scream before. It’s not long before Captain Holt appears with Rosa who both falter at the sight of Jake and Karen sobbing holding a screaming baby. 

Rosa doesn’t remember much - meetings with lawyers, Jake being buried next to Amy, Charles screaming in grief, Holt sobbing whilst holding Kevin. Rosa does remember moving into her two best friends apartment when she is appointed the guardian to their child. 

She feels her chest tighten at the sight of the photos of Jake and Amy scattered around the apartment, the die hard posters and knitted quilts made by Amy. “I don’t know how to do this, Luna. But I will do my best to make sure you know how much they love you.”

She remembers when she gets the call from Karen, telling her the autopsy revealed that Jake had died of broken heart syndrome. A real thing. Rosa had heard of it before - the stress of grief so bad for some that it affects the heart. In short, his death had been preventable, but no one could get Jake to talk to them. 

~

The first time she ventures into Jake and Amy’s room, Luna is almost 3 months old. Rosa had taken to sleeping on the couch, too afraid to change anything about the apartment. Every single person that visits understands.

It’s when Gina suggests they finally move in together when she finally goes inside. “I want her to grow up here, like they intended.”

“I know.” Gina takes her hand, squeezing lightly. “There’s a spare room, so Iggy can have her own room. I know it’s going to be hard… But we can’t keep it all the same. They can’t expect that.”

“They would want us to make it our own.”

~

Gina has Iggy and Luna out for a walk, and so Rosa spends her time alone to empty out some of Jake and Amy’s things out of her (their) room. She is controlling her emotions better as of late, so clearing out Amy’s clothes and putting them away to be donated doesn’t make her cry.

Halfway through Jake’s clothing, she notices an envelope fall out. His messy handwriting looks shakier than she remembers, and it has two words.  _ For Luna _ . Rosa’s hands begin shaking as she carefully rips the letter open.

_ Dear Luna, _

_ I hope no one has to give you this letter. But as you know, your mom died shortly after you were born but she bled out too quickly during surgery and passed away.  _

_ Your birthday is simultaneously one of the brightest and darkest days I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been separated from your mom before. Undercover mission, Florida, prison. I hope I can make these stories lighthearted for you one day. Right now, I can’t see anything but darkness. _

_ I don’t sleep, I can’t eat and I can’t even bring myself to talk. And I usually talk a lot. The only thing I can do is keep you alive. You are the only thing keeping my heart beating. I can feel my body giving out. I have heart palpitations and pains every day. I want to stay alive for you I do, my baby, but I don’t know how to survive without my Amy. She was everything to me, such a badass and  _ so  _ loving. _

_ I want you to know that I love you more than anything in the world as well as your mom. If you are reading this and it means I’ve died - don’t think this means I love you any less. I love you so fucking much. _

_ I’m sorry. I am really trying to keep myself moving, living. I don’t want you to grow up without your parents. You’ve already lost your mom and you don’t deserve to lose the both of us. I’m trying so hard and I love you so much. I’m so sorry if you can’t understand my pain and I’m sorry for bringing you this pain. I just need you to understand that we love you to the ends of this earth. _

_ Forever your dad,  _

_ Jake. _

Rosa is furious. Jake  _ knew  _ he was dying. He told no one. The tears are hot on her cheeks and she hears the front door open, the sound of Iggy telling a story to Luna echoing through the apartment.

Gina notices her girlfriend crying, and sends her daughter off to go play before joining Rosa in their bedroom. “Rosa, what’s wrong?” Gina’s wiping the tears off her cheeks, desperately searching her eyes.

“Jake fucking knew he was dying.” Rosa’s voice is strained, and Gina sees her knuckles go white as she grips the letter in her hand. 

It doesn’t take Gina long to read the letter, and Rosa’s heart breaks all over again as she reads it and tears roll down her face. “He abandoned her, Gina, the last thing he ever wanted to do. That’s exactly what he did.” Rosa growls stomping to the other side of the room.

“No!” Gina scoffs, “There’s no way he really knew he was dying.”

“ _ I’m having heart palpitations and pains everyday _ ! He fucking knew and he told no one!” Rosa wants to scream, the grief and disbelief too overwhelming. 

“Try to think how he was feeling! There was no way it was easy to lose his fucking wife right after they had a baby!”

“It’s not fair to Luna! His duty was to be there for his daughter, not to join his wife in the ground!” Rosa is breathing heavily, and she doesn’t think her heart could break any further.

“How would you feel if I died, Rosa?” Gina holds both of her arms still and their eyes connect, “I know I would feel like the world is ending. I would feel like I’m dying! I don’t think he genuinely thought he was about to die. I think he was just trying to get his feelings into words since he felt like he could talk to no one!”

“Luna can never find this.” Rosa shakes her head, wiping the remaining tears off her face.

“It’s for her. She has the right to read it when she’s old enough.”

~

_ This time it’s Amy holding the phone. “Hola mi amor, it’s your mama. It’s 9:15 and your dad has fallen asleep on me.” Amy quickly shows Jake snoring on her shoulder on the couch, “He thought we could pass time by rewatching Die Hard for the 1001st time and he passed out.” _

_ Amy yawns, “I can’t really sleep when the contractions are just over 10 minutes apart but I try to close my eyes. I’m glad he can get some sleep since he’ll be driving.” _

_ Jake’s eyes flutter open, and slowly he registers that she’s filming. “Oh update time! What time is it?” _

_ “9:17 now.” Amy tells him, “I’ve already done the basic update.” _

_ “Sorry that I fell asleep.” Jake yawns, stretching. _

_ “I can forgive you but I’m not sure Bruce Willis will…”  _

_ “AMY HOW DARE YOU-” _

CUT

 

~

They only have family over for Luna’s first birthday. Family being her grandparents and their squad. No one really knows how to go about the day. There’s a cake for Luna, and a framed photo of Jake and Amy at their wedding displayed next to it.

Luna is dressed in a dark blue dress with black tights and there’s a dark bow in her unruly curly hair. Rosa had tried to tame it for photos but the whole day was stressing her out so much that she has to stop in order to catch her breath.

Her smile is so bright and unknowing of the events that happened a year earlier. She waddles around the apartment and giggles when Victor makes silly noises.

Rosa has to wipe her eyes of the tears that escape when Luna waddles over yelling, “Mamamamamaa!”

She spots everyone at different points of the day crying. It’s all so fresh but their life has to move on so they can give Luna the best chance she can get. They take photos and sing happy birthday. Luna smashes into the cake and squeals as she throws it everywhere and puts very little into her mouth. 

After giving her a bath and having her fall asleep in Gina’s arms, she’s finally in her cot. The adults all give toasts to Jake and Amy, and reminisce on their favourite memories. Gina holds her hand through it all, just as she had been all year.

~

From the moment Rosa had custody over Luna, she made sure  _ every night _ she told a story about her parents. Whether it was about their relationship, or a individual story or a whole group story. Sometimes when she had to work late, Gina would take over but her stories always involved herself. 

“Roro, can you tell me the dress story again?” Luna asks, crawling into her bed.

“Sure can,” Rosa turns on the bedside nightlight and sits on her bed. “Your mom just became a sergeant and she didn’t want to be judged for looking for a wedding dress, but I caught on, so I forced her to take a break to try on dresses.”

At 5 years old, she has told this story so many times already - it’s her favourite and still Luna takes her bunny and holds it close to her chest as she devotes all her attention to Rosa. “But then when she was wearing the dress, a bad guy was running from the law so your mom leaps over the couch and chases the bad guy down and leaps over all these obstacles - then finally, she tackles him down and takes the sash she’s wearing and restrains him.”

“And then you catch up with her and you’re like ‘damn sarge!’” Luna giggles, her eyes crinkling just like her mothers. 

“What is the very important lesson from this?” Rosa asks.

“The lesson is that I should never care what other might think of me, and that women can do everything!” Luna repeats this confidently every time, yawning.

“You are so smart, I love you.” Rosa smooths the curly hair down as she kisses her forehead, “and so does Sergeant Bunny.”

“I love you mommy Roro.”

~

At 6 years old, Charles introduces Luna to her favourite movie - Zootopia. She has Sergeant Bunny near her at all times, as it was something her parents bought her when they found out about her. The few times they almost lost it are the few times Luna had real meltdowns.

Charles always makes sure that he babysits every few weeks so that Rosa and Gina can have a break. This particular night, Iggy is sleeping over at her friends so it’s just Charles and Luna. After they’ve eaten dinner and Luna is in her pyjamas, Charles puts on the movie. Anything to do with cops, she always pays intense attention to. She dances, her curls bounce and her smile is as wide as Jake’s and her eyes bright like Amy. 

His heart physically hurts every time he thinks how much like Luna is like her parents. Her personality and looks. She takes games very seriously, when she’s interested in something her focus becomes so serious her eyebrow crinkle the same way Amy’s did.

“I want to be a police woman like mommy and you and grandpa Holt!” Her goofy smile fades slightly, “And like mama and daddy!”

“Yeah? Why do you want to be a police woman?” Charles asks, trying to keep his emotions intact.

“I wanna save the world and catch the bad guys!” Her smile returns quickly, “Mom says mama and daddy were real good superheros!”

“They were. Have you been told the story of the bet where their love story began?” Charles heart clenches again at how her eyes sparkle.

“YES! They bet who could arrest more baddies and daddy won so he took her on the worst date ever but it was really a good date!” Luna knows just about every story possible about her parents. She sits back down and continues to pay attention to the movie.

Once it’s finished, Charles notices that Luna has gone quiet which is very uncharacteristic of her (just like Jake). “Are you tired, Luna?”

“No.” Luna mumbles, “I wish I could meet my mama and daddy. My friends at school know their moms and dads.”

“Not everyone knows their mommies and daddies.” Charles assures her.

“There are others like me?” Luna’s eyes are desperate to know more.

“Niko doesn’t know his birth mommy. I raised him with Aunt Genny.” 

“Really?” Her chin wobbles, “Does it ever make him sad?”

“Sometimes, but when that happens we just remind him how loved he is and that we’re here for him. The same goes for you Lulu.” Charles pulls her in for a hug, “Your mama and daddy loved you so much and are always in your heart.”

“Were they with me when I stole a cookie from the jar when I wasn’t supposed to?” A guilty grin forms on her face.

“Yes and they love you unconditionally. Your mama would tell you not to do it again, but then your daddy would sneak you another cookie.” Charles laughs softly, “For every moment you need them, they will be with you.”

~

_ “It is 10:49 and we are officially going to the hospital!” Jake jumps, giddy, “Care to tell us why?” _

_ “Contractions are 7 minutes apart, much stronger and my water broke about 10 minutes ago.” Amy is panting as she walks up behind him, “I can’t wait to walk a few feet without being out of breath.” _

_ “I never thought I would be more fit than Amy freakin’ Santiago!” _

_ “I have a human baby in me I think that makes me more fit in every way possible.” Jake cracks up at this and Amy is poking her tongue out at him and he kisses her nose in response. _

_ “You are completely right. I love you.” _

CUT

 

~

Luna is 8 and a half when her moms finally get married. Rosa had proposed years earlier, but kept putting it off. She always said she wanted to focus on raising Luna well but always promised Gina that it  _ would  _ happen. They don’t begin planning until she asks them why they aren’t married like all the other parents of her friends.

“It’s complicated…” Rosa begins.

“Is it?” Gina rolls her eyes, “Let’s just do it. Nothing flashy.”

“But it’s your wedding it has to be flashy!” Rosa argues with a pout.

“You guys are all I need to have the perfect wedding.” Gina says with a soft smile, her eyes drifting to one of the pictures of Jake and Amy on their wedding day. 

Rosa finally agrees to a simple wedding, and it’s only a month later and she’s braiding Luna’s hair getting her ready to be the flower girl. “Do you have a cool line to say mommy?” She asks as she hops off the stool. 

“I don’t know if I can beat ‘your butt is da bomb’, but I can definitely try. I’m not as big of a dork as your parents were!” Rosa giggles, smoothing her own curls as she checks herself in the mirror.

“So not true! I hear you saying cute things to mom all the time!!” She squeals, “You are my everything Gina! What would I do without you my love!”

“You are a little rascal!” Rosa is smiling so wide she might entirely fall apart.

“I learn from the master, GINA LINETTI!” Luna puffs her chest and juts her chin up, pulling off a perfect Amy Santiago power pose.

“Can’t argue with that.”

In the end, Rosa can’t think of anything genius and hilarious to say to express how much she loves Gina. But she is able to show a whole different soft side that her family hasn’t seen before, and she believes that softness was brought out by none other than Luna. 

“I can’t wait to spend every day for the rest of my life loving you. Loving you, Iggy and Luna.” 

~

“Why haven’t we ever done a Halloween heist?” Luna asks, dropping her school bag on the floor as she enters their apartment.

“Hey Luna, my day was good. How are you?” Rosa raises her eyebrows at her, amused with the lack of greeting.

“Yeah yeah, I’m good now please answer my question.” She sits next to her mom at the table, determined to get the answer out of her.

“Um, well, it never felt right, without Jake and Amy.” Rosa looks down at her hands, “I had you to focus on, we all had families at this point and it hurt thinking of competing without them bickering.”

“I think we should start them again!” Luna tells her, bouncing in her seat. “I know everything about the past Halloween heists and I can fight to defend mama and dad’s titles! Everyone says I’m just like them so I think we can make it work!!”

“I don’t know, it’s a bit different for all of us.” Rosa tells her sternly, her tone warning her to drop it.

“They wouldn’t want you to stop enjoying that part of your life! It was tradition for 8 years! I think it’s a good way to honour their memory-”

“Drop it Luna!” She rarely raises her voice with Luna, only in moments like this where she is so like her parents and the stubbornness is overwhelming.

“NO! I DON’T WANT TO DROP IT!” Luna screams, her frown so deep and it looks like she’s about to have a meltdown.

“What is going on?” Gina rushes into the room, eyes concerned as she looks at her wife and Luna.

“I want to do a Halloween heist to defend my parents title!” Luna stands up and moves closer to Gina, “I think it’s a great idea to honour them but Rosa keeps saying no!”

“Excuse me?” Rosa falters at hearing her name.

“YOU AREN’T MY MOM! GINA ISN’T MY MOM!” Luna wipes the hot tears falling on her face, “I don’t know my mom and dad. I just want to know them but I can’t so I want to do this heist!”

Both Rosa and Gina are crying at this point, speechless at their daughters pain. No one speaks for what feels like hours, but Luna wipes her cheeks again. “Can I go see grandpa Holt?” She asks, her arms folding her and building up her walls. “I’ve got some hard math homework.”

“Baby, you can’t run away from your feelings.” Gina walks closer but Luna steps back, her arms tightening around herself.

“Please do I have permission to run away to grandpa Holt for a night?” Luna hiccups, avoiding all eye contact. Rosa makes the call and it’s not long before Holt is there, taking her bag with pyjamas and change of clothes for school the next day. 

“I will make sure she goes to bed at the appropriate time and is at school on time.” Holt tells them with a nod of understanding.

“I love you Rosa and Gina.” Luna mumbles with a wave.

Luna remains silent whilst she completes her homework with Holt’s help, and throughout dinner where she barely eats her plain rice. They are watching Zootopia on the couch when Holt asks, “May I ask why you and Rosa fought?”

“No.” Luna’s eyebrows knit together, trying to focus on the movie in front of them. 

“Talking about it tends to help you sort out your emotions.” 

“Tell that to Rosa.” Luna still keeps her eyes on the television for a few moments. “I want to do a Halloween heist.”

“Oh…” Holt can feel her tense as his tone. “It’s been a long time.”

“I get that it makes everyone sad to do it without my mom and dad but… I don’t know them and I want to feel like I do. I know they loved me, I know they are with me always - it’s been drilled into me for forever but I still have no way of connecting to them. It’s not fair that you have so much with them and I get nothing!” Luna lets the tears fall freely again, her breath shaking as she speaks.

“It is completely unfair.” Holt agrees, his arm wrapping around her shoulder, “And I believe it would be a brilliant to begin the heists again.”

“Really?” Her eyes sparkle as she turns to him, “I was trying to tell mom that it would be a good way to honour them. And so that I can defend their titles!”

“It’s wonderful, and it will be hard for us but I think I can convince them as the only two time winner.”

“My dad is the only two time winner! Bill had the real belt at midnight so it means he won the heist! And also because that’s when he asked mama to marry him!!” Luna defends fiercely.

“I guess I can concede defeat after 12 years…” Holt chuckles, “You will do well at defending their title.”

Luna gives him a tight hug, “Thank you thank you thank you!”

Come Halloween, Luna is dressed as a mummy and is in the centre of the bullpen holding the statue at midnight. “I WIN! THE SANTIAGO-PERALTA LEGACY LIVES ON! SUCK IT!” She squeals, jumping on the spot. 

The entire squad surrounds her and repeats, very happily, “Luna Santiago-Peralta is an amazing human slash genius!”

At that, Luna runs up to Rosa and wraps her in a tight hug. “I love you mom.”

~

_ “11:26 and we are settled in our room!” Jake voice is loud and unexpected since they are in a hospital. “Contractions are getting closer and more painful for your mom but she’s still on the no medication headset.” _

_ In the background you can hear Amy groan and the camera suddenly faces up to the ceiling, but you can hear Jake coaching Amy through the contraction, telling her how amazing she’s doing and there’s still a short time until Jake picks up his phone again and begins talking again. “Luna, I’m going to take this moment to tell you how badass your mom is. _

_ This wonderful woman here has just spent the past 9 or so months growing you - sacrificing her body and her sleep so that you can be as strong as you can be. I can’t express how much I admire her! She is the strongest woman I know and if you grow up to be like her I will be the proudest man on earth. Except love ninja turtles and Die Hard like me - then you can be the ultimate human slash genius- OH AMES, I can’t wait to introduce her to Halloween heists. This year we teamed up and your mom pretended to be in labour so we could steal the championship wand - Aunt Rosa ended up kicking our ass though. That’s a story for another time. Anything you want to add Amy?” _

_ “Please don’t let her be obsessed with Die Hard, I will be outnumbered in movie nights!” Amy pouts, “I love you Luna, but please, I’ve heard enough about it to last me a lifetime.” _

_ Amy is smiling at Jake, so he knows she doesn’t mean it. “She’s lying, she loves Die Hard as much as I do now!” His eyes are wide and he’s nodding with a silly grin on his face, “You can love whatever movies you want Luna, we will still love you the same!” _

CUT

 

~

Luna convinces Iggy to let her watch Die Hard while their moms were out on date night. 

“I’m all caught up on my homework for the next two weeks and I’ve finished my reading for the night, Iggy, please!” She whines on the couch, “It’s my dad's favourite movie but mom said I can’t watch it yet but I  _ want  _ to!”

“Ugh fine, don’t be such a big nerd about it.” She rolls her eyes before finding the movie on Netflix, “You’re only 14 so if I get in trouble you’re going down.”

“Yeah yeah whatever now be QUIET.” Luna sits on the edge of her seat as the movie begins, her attention devoted entirely to the screen. Two hours later and Luna is on the floor, right in front of the TV and looking gobsmacked. “That. Was. Awesome.”

“It’s not that great.” Iggy puts her book down to laugh at her little sister, “Don’t make me watch the next one please.”

“THERE’S ANOTHER ONE???”

“There are like 5, Loony.”

“THERE’S 5 MOVIES I HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON!” Luna grabs the remote and clicks on the next one.

“I’m going to bed, have fun nerd.”

Gina and Rosa come home around 11 to find Luna fast asleep, snoring peacefully as explosions played in the background. “I’m having flashbacks to childhood.” Gina snorts, “I want to be mad that she didn’t listen but she  _ is  _ Jake’s kid.”

“Die Hard is in her blood.” Rosa laughs as she kneels next to Luna, “Hey baby.”

Luna’s eyes flutter open at the feeling of a hand brushing through her curls, but when realising it’s her mom her eyes widened and she sat up quickly. “Heeeeyyyy moms! How was your night? I don’t know what this violent movie is on my screen right now!” Rosa rolls her eyes at her daughter trying to deflect.

“You are so your dad,” Luna blushes and looks at her hands, “And you shouldn’t have watched it without permission but I understand why you did.”

“I’m sorry.” Luna shrugs, “I’ve got Harry Potter to connect with mama and I just wanted to see what dad was so obsessed with.”

“That’s completely understandable.” Gina wraps her up in a side hug, “He probably would have made you watch it much earlier even though it would have been so inappropriate.”

“I like to think Amy might have prevented it for a few years.” Rosa laughs, “She loved Die Hard too, I never heard her admit it out loud.”

“Do you miss them?” Luna asks quietly.

“Constantly. Especially when you make that face when you love something, it’s such an Amy expression and then you behave so much like Jake when you get focused. You’re a giant nerd like the both of them.” Gina tells her, a fond smile on her face.

“I’m always thinking of how they would love the cases I’m getting, and if I struggle I try to think like they would.” Rosa follows, “They’re always with us, especially in you.”

~

“Have you started planning your Quinceañera, my dear?” Camila asks at dinner one evening, months before her 15th birthday.

“Um, I don’t actually want to have one.” Luna frowns slightly, “They’re really backwards and all, and I know it’s a tradition but…”

“Oh…” Camila frowns, “I just thought… Do you want to see Amy’s photos?”

“Camila, if she doesn’t want to do it you need to respect that.” Rosa intervenes.

“No I would love to see the photos.” Luna brightens as her abuela take out a binder full of photos from Amy’s quinceañera. In the photos she can see how similar they look, except her own hair was more wild and curly like her dad. The dress she is wearing has a white sparkly bodice with soft pink tulle.

The photo with her abuelo, who had died when she was only 3 years old, is what she can’t take her eyes off.  It’s during their father daughter dance, and she is beaming at whatever her father seems to be saying. She then closes her eyes, trying to imagine her quinceañera if her parents were still alive. What her father daughter dance might be like with her dad? 

Luna says she doesn’t want to have a quinceañera because its old fashioned and lame - but the real reason is so much more. Rosa has been the greatest mother, as has Gina, and the entirety of her parents old squad - but she wants to have her parents there but they  _ can’t _ . They’re gone forever, no matter how much people tell her they are always inside her.

“I still have her dress in the attic. Amy always told me she wanted her own daughter to wear it to her own quinceañera.” Camila says fondly.

“Really?” Luna has tears in her eyes, and she grips on her abuela’s hand.

“Yes, and I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you to do it. It’s just an open suggestion.”

~

_ “Here we are, it’s 1:06 in the afternoon. Mom is a solid 7cm dilated and very very excited to get you out of her body!” Jake announces with a grin. He turns the camera around so that it shows Amy on her purple birthing ball. “When I say she’s excited I mean she’s desperate - but it’s the same sentiment.” _

_ “Luna is very welcome to hurry up.” Amy groans, “She’s gonna see this video and think I hate her.” _

_ “Noooo you’re just in pain, Ames. I’m sure our child isn’t a cold hearted snake!” _

_ “I will love her even if she’s a bitch. I will have to reprimand her for it though.” _

_ “Don’t be a bitch, dear Luna. Listen to your mother now!” This time when Amy groans again, Jake doesn’t drop his phone but moves to support her with her face still in frame. _

_ There are tears rolling down her face as the peak of the contraction hits her, and her groan grows louder. She sniffles when it’s over, and Jake gets the both of them in frame again. “See your mom is a total badass. I love her so much.” _

_ Amy grins down at her husband and chastely kisses him, “I love you so much.” _

CUT

 

~

Every birthday they make sure to visit their graves. Since Luna could remember, she has always taken this time to update them on the major events in her life - when she lost her first tooth, her first straight A report card. This time she has her hair and makeup ready to go to her quinceañera but she didn’t get in her dress so that they could make the trip before her big party.

Rosa joins her for the first 10 minutes, but then goes to wait in the car so she can have her moment alone.

 

_Amy Santiago-Peralta_                 _Jacob Santiago-Peralta_

_Sept. 17 1983 - Nov. 23 2022_                _June. 14 1981 - Jan. 1 2023_

_Daughter. Wife. Mother._             _Son. Husband. Father. Die Hard fanatic._

 

Luna sits on the grass and takes a deep breath. “Hi.

Sooo, I’m in high school now! So far so good, people aren’t so awful as movies depict it. So far I’m on track for having straight As this semester. Mo-Rosa says you guys would be so proud of that - that I’ve become a giant nerd like you two.

My best friend, her name is Lauren, really likes Die Hard like we do - obsessed with any old action movie really. I always make sure I tell her everything wrong with the way the women are treated and she calls me a nerd but in the way Gina does. So it sounds kind of mean but she has so much heart.

Um, I saw photos of you with bangs mom, so I got bangs. Oof it was a bad idea - but that’s because my hair is too curly I think.   
I also had my first kiss this year. It was weird, his name was Luke and he was okay but said he wasn’t that interested in me. I’m not too bothered by it but I feel like it’s something you tell your parents. I didn’t tell Rosa or Gina - I felt too uncomfortable.

Um, I miss you. Or the idea of you, since I don’t have any real memory of you. But it sucks that you aren’t here for my quinceañera - but I’m doing it for you mom, I got your dress altered to fit me and it looks great. 

R-Rosa said she’s going to do the father daughter dance - because fuck gender roles right? Sorry, Rosa tells me not to swear and I definitely shouldn’t right in front of you. I just want you here.

I need to save my makeup, so I guess that’s it from me for now. But I hope you’re watching tonight, because it would make me really happy to know you’re there.”

Luna doesn’t say anything in the ride to the venue, only a vague nod if when her mom asks if she had a nice chat with them. Before either of them leaves the car, Rosa turns to her and takes her hand. “I’m so proud of you, Luna.” There are tears on her cheeks, and she doesn’t try to hide them. “I love you.”

“I love you mom.” Luna’s chin quivers intensely, but she doesn’t let herself cry - not yet.

She lasts a long without crying - she gets through hugs from her entire family and speeches. But then they announce it’s time for her dance with Rosa, and hear breath becomes shorter. When her mom wraps her arms around her, she can feel herself relax. They don’t have a proper dance ready, they just begin to sway.

_ We know full well there's just time _

_ So is it wrong to dance this line? _

_ If your heart was full of love _

_ Could you give it up? _

It doesn’t take long before her shoulders are quaking and Rosa’s grip tighten, Luna can hear her sniffling as well as the piano takes over. 

_ 'Cause what about, what about angels _

_ They will come, they will go and make us special _

_ Don't give me up _

_ Don't give me up _

She can hear Rosa audibly crying as much as she is now, and not a moment later she feels her other moms hands wrapping around them. Then it’s uncle Charles, uncle Terry and grandpa Holt. Luna sways with them all, and she’s pretty sure everyone in the room is likely crying but in this moment she feels her parents more than ever.

She manages to look up at Rosa and whisper shakily, “They’re here.”

_ It's not about, not about angels _

_ Angels _

~

_ “It’s 5:30 in the evening and you have been here in the world for about an hour and a half now. Born at 4:06 to be exact and you weigh in at around 6 pounds and 19 inches long. Your mom is doing great, in pain but she’s such a champion. I will never stop telling you how powerful she is and if you ever disobey her I won’t stop her showing her wrath. Also because I’m terrified of it.”  _

_ Jake moves so that Amy and Luna appear in the frame with him, “Look at us - a happy little family!” _

_ Amy’s face quickly scrunches up as she begins to cry. “We have a baby Jake!” _

_ “What did you think you were growing in you for 9 months, Ames?” Jake laughs, joining her on the bed. _

_ “Various fruits and vegetables of course!” She giggles, “I’m just so happy, babe.” _

_ “Me too. I can’t wait to watch her grow up with you.”  _

_ Jake kisses her softly, stroking Luna’s head lightly before they both look at the camera like they’re taking a family photo. _

END 

 

~

Luna is 17 years old when she finds the video her dad made of the day she was born. She had been working on an entrance essay for college when she got bored and went looking at photos on her moms laptop. She had scrolled until until she saw a folder she had never seen before.

_ 11/23/22 _

She opens it and sees photos she seen before - photos of her moments after she was born, screaming on her mother’s chest as her mother glows. Photos of her with Jake and photos with her with Amy - and then the both of them beaming as one of them holds her. 

What she hasn’t seen before is the the 4 minute and 13 second video. Her heart pounds as her father’s goofy smile appears on screen.

Luna has been to therapy - parents dying hours and months after you are born can have a lasting affect - and she has worked through most of her emotions about not knowing them. She still has her moments of missing them intensely, and that usually falls on holidays or her birthday.

  
So she doesn’t really expect the flood of tears that break once she hears the line ‘ _ I will love her even if she’s a bitch. _ ’ She’s really laughing at her parents being weird but the tears don’t stop falling and her heart truly aches.

Of course she has seen an abundance of videos and photos of her parents of through their partnership, friendship and then relationship before. There was something completely groundbreaking seeing them talk about her and them moving with her there even if for a short time. 

The video has been over for a few minutes, paused on them both looking at her with love written in their features. She still can’t stop her tears and it’s then that her mom shows up.

“Alright which little son of a bitch am I fighting?” She growls immediately, protective mode in full force. When she joins Luna on the couch and sees what she has open, she softens. “Talk to me, Luna.”

“I don’t know what to say that I haven’t said before.” Luna hiccups, shaking her head. “I have this moment with them, it’s all I have. I wish I had… a chance to… to have one conversation with them now. I want to hear them say they love me and that they’re proud. Everyone tells me they are but I want to hear it from them.

And you and Gina have been such great moms to me and I feel so bad for wanting  _ them  _ so badly. But I also know I have the right to feel like this and it all just hurts.”

“We would never feel like you don’t appreciate us because you want your parents.  _ We  _ want them back. But that doesn’t change my love for you either.” Rosa grips her hands tightly, “Your parents and you have changed my life like I never expected.”

~

The last thing Luna remembers is falling asleep with Rosa as she told her the best stories of her parents once again. Now she’s in what seems to be a park, surrounded by bright green trees and a lake in the corner. The sun is shining on the lake and she’s in such a deep trance that she doesn’t hear her name being called until there’s a hand on her shoulder and she jumps. Turning around, she stumbles a few steps back at the sight of her mother and her father close by - soft smiles on both their faces. 

“Hi Luna.” Amy’s eyes seem to be filling with tears and her voice is cracking with emotion.

“Mom? Dad?” Luna has to take a few deep breaths as she tries to process what was seeing in front of her. “Is this some freaky Harry Potter resurrection stone dream shit?” She finally manages to get out, tears are leaking out of her parents eyes as they laugh.

“Probably.  Ames, this is so cool right? It’s our baby.” Jake gestures at Luna, awe shining off him brighter than the sun.

A sob escapes as she jumps to embrace them and she doesn’t care if she’s dreaming because they feel  _ so real _ in the moment. “I can’t believe this.” 

Their arms are tightly wrapped around her and they spend what feels like eternity just holding each other and crying. “I’m so sorry, mi amor.” Amy pulls back and holds her at arms length to look into her eyes. 

“Don’t be sorry! This wasn’t in your control.” Luna shakes her head, “I know you didn’t want to leave me.”

“It doesn’t change how bad we feel that you only got to know us through others.” Jake adds, “We love you so much, and we’ve always been with you.”

“I know that.” Luna nods fiercely, tears continuing to fall like a waterfall.

“We are so proud of the young woman you have become.” Amy tells her.

“Everyone tells me how much I’m like the both of you.” Luna beams, “They all did their part to tell me about you.”

“Did Charles cover the love story? I’d say he’s the best at telling it besides myself.” Jake quips, and she feels so enlightened. It’s everything she wants in a dream.

“He has made sure I know and that my expectations are at an extremely unrealistic level.” She replies, like they’ve joked around her whole life.

“Thank them for us.” Amy requests softly, “Everyone who has helped you - but especially Rosa. It was so much to ask but she raised you with no questions asked and we couldn’t be more thankful for that.”

“She’s been great to me.” Luna agrees, “I might not have had you but I was always loved.”

“A few more things, while we still have time. One; good job on defending us in the Halloween heist. Two; you rocked those bangs girl I don’t care what you say. Three; I’m so proud that you love Die Hard.” Jake is counting on his fingers, and he’s thinking of a fourth when Amy interrupts.

“Also you’ve been so good in school, and you’re so kind to your peers. Luna, we can’t possibly express how proud we are.”

Luna once again buries herself into a hug with the both of them, and they’re all mumbling how much they love each other. It’s warm and she’s never felt a happiness this intense. 

The sun grows brighter and brighter until she opens her eyes and she’s back in her home, her head against Rosa’s legs and tears staining her cheeks. They’re gone again but she can still feel their arms and their love surrounding her.

They’re gone again, but she’s okay.

**Author's Note:**

> i put a lot of effort and emotions into this for about a week now so i would really appreciate kudos and comments!


End file.
